the challenges

lately i've been feeling the squeeze so-to-speak. there are so many things that i want to do on a daily and weekly basis, and yet so few of them actually get crossed off of the list. the tempering of expectations that must come right along with a child has been quite a challenge for me.

it's not only challenging to dial back on the expectations front, but i have also felt the challenge when it comes to prioritizing and becoming more efficient with the things that must get done.

parenting is a challenge in so many ways, not just in the direct way of what you do with and for and around the baby, but also in how you do everything else.

as much as i love being a mom, some days are harder than others. today, as much as i want to write, the words aren't flowing like they normally do.

i'm tired and worn, and not at all convinced that i have anything of note to say...

keane is 12 weeks old today. 12 weeks. for almost a year now i've counted my life in weeks. from the incredibly-exciting-yet-extremely-scary moment when that plus sign appeared until now i have gone from 4 to 41 weeks, and then started over.

i've also had one of two questions posed to me - "how far along are you?" and now, "how old is he?" [which is usually followed by either "how's he sleeping?" or "how much sleep are you getting?"]

life is so completely different now. and i knew it would be. i knew everything would change, but i didn't understand what "everything" really meant.

i'm also realizing how difficult it is already to do what's best for him even when it's hard. shots for instance - he got his two month shots a couple weeks ago, and that was downright terrible. TERRIBLE. but he got his shots because we believe that is what's best for him.

but i hate to see him cry. i hate to see him in pain. but sometimes it's necessary. sometimes the short-term pain is necessary for long-term protection, for long-term betterment. but it's still hard.

one of the best parts of the last 12 weeks has been to see peter as a dad. i love watching them together. these are two of my favorite moments to date. in the first one keane was maybe a day old - maybe. the second was just this past weekend. they both just melt my heart.

it's true what they say though. the whole concept of "and i thought i loved you then." i thought i loved peter 10 years ago. little did i know how much that love would grow and change. little did i know how true this sentiment is:

i loved keane from the moment i knew he was coming, but somehow that love does nothing but grow. i don't understand it, and yet i know that it's true.

i hope that despite the challenges i will continue to learn and to grow. i hope and pray that i won't become stagnant, and that i will set proper priorities. i hope and pray that i will not let go of the important things to make room for the urgent things. not now, not ever.

and i pray that my family will never wonder if i love them, and will never question how much i love them.

i read one of keane's books to him a lot - it's called "i love you this much" and there's a common refrain in it. one that i will repeat to him for years to come.

i love you best
i love you most
i love you high
i love you low
i love you deep
i love you wide
i love you this much

i'm so very thankful that my heavenly father 
says the same to me.


  1. I love seeing the wonder of motherhood through your words... You even seem to get that the parts that aren't so wonderful are just part of the amazing package deal of being called 'mommy.' Sharla

  2. It totally gets easier. I felt the same way for sooo long! Now that he's a year old, I'm back to being able to manage my writing and cleaning. You just have to start settling for Good enough until life returns to normal. Or do like I did and get your mom to come stay at your house for a week bi-annually so you can catch up ;)


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