for the sake of it, and then some.

sometimes i write for the sake of writing. that's it. just for the sake of it. nothing else.
except maybe to get all the thoughts out of my brain.
mind vomit, so-to-speak.

[lovely little mental image there, huh?]

life is pretty good right now, albeit a little tiring and a little trying. there is quite a lot going on, but i've settled into "normal". granted,  now that i've settled into it we're staring down the last week of soccer season, and next week i'll have to figure out normal all over again.

i'm okay with that though.

as much as i love soccer, and i enjoy coaching, it will be nice to have a reason to get dressed in real clothes on a daily basis. i've been living in workout clothes as of late, but unfortunately i don't get in too many good workouts.

such is life. there are seasons, and chapters, and changes.
there are unexpected swings.
things that challenge your way of life, and things that remind you what life is all about.


it's ironic that i left it there ^-^ earlier, and walked away for a bit, because in the interim i heard about a student at a local high school who committed suicide this weekend.

i didn't know him - i don't know his name, i don't know how old he was. i don't know anything about him. i heard about it completely by chance. but it saddens me to my very core. it breaks my heart.

when i was far younger. far, far younger, there was a time when i was struggling with depression, and for a small portion of that time, i contemplated suicide.

the world can seem dark at times. the world is evil and ugly and cruel at times. and when i was younger there were some days when it seemed like it would never improve. it seemed like the grey-ness would take over everything, and nothing would ever get better.

looking back, that was not the hardest time in my life, but it was definitely the darkest.

i once heard suicide described as a permanent solution for a temporary problem. but when someone is in that place it's because it doesn't feel temporary, it feels all encompassing.

it feels like forever.

but hear me when i say this. it will not last forever.

you've heard people say that life is a gift, and it's true. sometimes it may feel like a divine gag gift, but it will get better.

it will pass. one day it will be a distant memory. keep pressing on.

i once met someone who had "this too shall pass" tattooed on her arm. and i remember loving it. at the time peter and i were in the midst of our infertility struggle, and i had not-so-long before lost our first baby to miscarriage. i thought of how appropriate that reminder would be for my situation.

later i revised my thoughts on said tattoo - it makes you seem like a debbie-downer in one sense. i mean, come on, sure there are tough times, but why would i want that tattooed on my body? it's kind of like a cloud hanging over everything.

now i've revised again. no, i don't think i'll ever get that tattoo. [that's a whole different discussion] however, i think it would be a good reminder to have everyday.

this too shall pass.

everything i know now will one day pass away. but even before that - this too shall pass.

keane will not always be 6 months old. he will not always have giant chubber cheeks, and let me kiss them all the time. he will not always have huge cheesy smiles to give out. he will not always snuggle into my shoulder when he's tired.

this too shall pass.

peter and i will not always be considered young. we will not always be able to go for runs together, or discuss whatever we'd like at the dinner table. we will not always have time in the evenings for just us.

this too shall pass.

the good and the bad pass. both of them. always.

the situations we find ourselves in do not dictate who we are. they may shape us and change us, but we were all created with a purpose. we were all created by a loving, holy, heavenly father who knew each of us before we were ever born.

we are not immune from tragedy. hardships suck. suicide is mind-numbingly heart-wrenching. but God is the only constant. the only unchanging, loving, all-knowing, all-powerful being there is. and he weeps with us. he weeps for us. he is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. and he will wipe away every tear from our eyes.

heaven and earth will pass away.

but God IS.


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