a mile a minute

i should be doing other things right now. not writing. i don't really have time to write today. but that's just the thing. everything is moving so fast, and i needed to take a minute to just     breathe.

lately my mind starts racing the second i lay my head on my pillow at night, and it takes me a  l o n g time to fall asleep. last night keane also woke up in the middle of the night for the first time in a while, and though he didn't need us to help him back to sleep, i did wake fully from my already fitful sleep.

i'm not trying to complain though. honestly, some of my best creative ideas have come to me in that time of tossing and turning. granted, i haven't had time to experiment with those ideas during much of the day, but it's like my mind has a running tally of all of these ideas, and one day i'm going to blow my own socks off by a frenzy of creative activity.

of course, "a mile a minute" also refers to the life of our little boy. time flies. it flew before, i know, but now that i can see the differences in him from day to day, week to week, month to month, it reminds me constantly of just how fast time moves.

yesterday afternoon as we waited for peter to come home from work i turned on an episode of "everybody loves raymond." in the episode ray was remembering back to the birth of his daughter [she's nine at this point] while they are at a father-daughter dance at her school. at the end of the episode a slow song comes on at the dance, and she tells him they don't have to dance since he doesn't like the slow ones. and he replies that he wants to dance with her - it's going fast enough.

and i stood there, holding keane in my arms, with tears pricking my eyes and slowly sliding down my cheeks.

it's going fast enough.
fast. enough.

for as much as the days and weeks crept by when we waited for keane they now seem to push and carry me faster than i want to go. getting excited for things in the future now also gives me pause.

for instance - we plan to take a trip out west this fall. we have started planning it in small pieces, and as we discussed keane's schedule fitting into our greater travel plans i had to check myself.
he'll be one then.

my baby will be closer to official toddlerhood than babyhood.
now i feel as though i have just started getting used to being a mom. in the sense that i'm a parent. that our son is our son. that when we talk about having kids it is not some hopeful thought for the future, but a reality now. i can hardly believe that he has spent almost as much time outside the womb as he did in it.

yes. it's going fast enough.

and so often i wonder if i'm doing enough to be thankful for the blessings i've received as i speed through life. i don't want to just slog through my days and weeks. i want to really live them.

i have a note on my inspiration wall: neglect not the gift within you. and i wonder about that far too often. am i using my gifts well? how can i use them better?

i try not to think about this in the sense of striving after the wind, or empty accolades, but in the sense of true use. [i also fail at this quite often.] how am i really using my gifts? and should that use look different?

i don't want to wake up one day, and realize that life passed me by, and i missed it. i also don't want to rush aimlessly into doing all kinds of things just to do something. just to say i did something.

so much of life is about balance, and right now i just feel a little bit off kilter...

anyway, i don't have any answers today. c'est la vie, oui? but i'll leave us both with this truth:

{via coffee stained cashmere}

much love to you.


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