back to quiet

{via coalesce}

now i sit, my mug-bearing left hand warmed by my late morning cup of joe, my toes chilled to the bone by the cool air seeping into the house through the hardwoods. i breathe, i rest.

today has presented quite the challenge already, and it's barely 11AM.

last night keane's exhaustion overtook him before he ate for the last time, so he awoke, almost 3 hours later as hungry as a baby bird, and chirped for his milk almost as loudly as one. he ate, and went back to sleep fairly easily, though he rustled more than usual as he settled himself back down.

i thought he would surely sleep in later today because he drank his milk so much later than he normally does. but that was not to be.

peter had to leave ridiculously early this morning to be at a job site by daybreak, so i awoke at 4:40 to his bustling about, and to keane's whines, as they rapidly progressed to wails.

once it was clear keane would not settle himself back down i went into his room and comforted him. he settled once more into his crib, and i headed back off to bed. it took a little while to fall back asleep due to some random shoulder pain i've been experiencing this week. every time i shifted to get comfortable i would get a sharp pain in my shoulder, and jolt back awake.

i did manage to fall back asleep, only to awaken at 5:45 to the same escalation of whines to cries. once more i comforted our son, and he seemed to settle back into sleep. did you catch that? seemed to settle. by 6:20 the escalation had made its way through again, but i stayed in bed longer this time hoping and praying he would put himself back to sleep. he would have none of it. he adamantly refused to go back to sleep, or even go back in his crib. he worked himself up so much that i had to bring him out of his room to get him to calm back down. it was like a reflex for him - the closer he got to his room, the closer he got to his crib, the louder his wails sounded.

ok, fine. i have no choice but to roll with it. and despite the glazed-over-blank-face he demonstrated while in his highchair at breakfast, he prevailed on until his normal naptime of 10AM. oh my stubborn willful child...

around 9:10 i actually welled up a little bit because i was so tired, and didn't know how he could continue to push on when all i wanted to do was collapse into bed. and then i looked at him and thought back to the years when all i wanted was him. when all i hoped for was a baby who would keep me up when i didn't want to be, and would push me in ways i did not yet understand. i stared at that sweet face, smiling at me from behind his pacifier - so proud of himself for opening up the bathroom cabinets - and i couldn't help but smile back at him.

parenthood is so paradoxical. all you want to do is hold them and protect them, but at the end of the day if you do your job, they're prepared to leave.
and they're supposed to leave.


and now here i sit, reflecting, enjoying my coffee, enjoying the quiet, catching up on my blog-reading, and breathing deeply, hoping that keane's nap gives both of us some much needed rest.

my mind drifts all over the place - thinking about news i received yesterday, thinking about the much anticipated [and greatly welcomed] approach of fall, thinking about our upcoming trip to seattle and fresno/san francisco/yosemite, thinking about friends we'll get to see on monday, and my love of traveling - especially in the fall when the landscape lights up, and the earth sighs in color.

my life may not always be exactly what i want it to be, but i am grateful for it anyway. in the midst of a chaotic world i am grateful for a few moments in the quiet.

happy weekend!

xo