be not nobody. be somebody.

{via pinterest & wit + delight}

we all want to be somebody. that is probably the most honest, and cliché sentence in the english language. we all want to be somebody, and to know that we're somebody. to know that we didn't slip through the cracks and get to the end of life only to realize that it didn't happen.

i mean, why do you think the nsync song "God must have spent a little more time on you" did so well? [yes, i did just reference a boy band from my middle school days... moving on...] ok, yes, at the time they had a lot of songs that did well, yada, yada, yada, but still, still, i think it was one of their mega hits because everyone wants to believe that God really did take extra special care when making "me." even people who don't believe in God want to believe that.

everyone wants to be somebody. we all want to believe we were made for a purpose, even if it is incongruous with the rest of our worldview, we still want to believe it.

why would we all want to believe it if it weren't true? if we weren't created with that longing? every person i've ever met has the longing to be someone. really be someone. do something that matters. make a difference in the world. even if life drives out these thoughts by will or circumstance an inkling remains. down in the depths. we want it to be true. we beg for it to be true.

please let me be somebody.
our very souls ache for it. for validation. to know we matter.

i've been struggling with this whole concept lately. why exactly, i don't know. but i think sometimes when your sole job & responsibility is to be a wife and mom you get elbow deep in crap [literally] and wonder if what you're doing actually matters. i mean one does not need a college degree to wipe the bum of a sweet little baby. and i wonder if i'm wasting my gifts by allowing them to atrophy while i focus on my little boy. [i know this will not be one of the most popular statements i've ever expressed, but it's true none the less.]

i just get so torn. i want to add value somewhere outside of our home, but i don't want to miss out on time with the most important people in my life. and i don't know exactly what i'm looking for, or how i'm going to find it. i just know that i want to matter, and i don't always feel like i do.

i know i should be content whatever my circumstances. i should be content to be wherever God has called me to be. to live in the space in which he has set up for me to live. but right now, i'm not sure where that space is. i'm not sure if the discontent i feel is a holy discontent, or if it's me being a selfish little brat.

i guess part of it is that our family is so small. i hear about these people who impact the lives of so many people on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. most days i impact two lives. two. despite the fact that these two lives represent the most important people in my mind, it's still such a small number. it seems insignificant. i feel insignificant.

and that probably makes me the smallest person on the face of the earth. i know intellectually that it is not small or insignificant to care for one's family, but it doesn't feel like enough. despite the fact that i cannot seem to cross everything off of my daily to-do list as it is, i always, always, always feel like i need to do more. much more.

i know i'm not the only one who ever feels lost, but lately, it feels as though i am. it feels like i've capsized in the middle of the ocean, and i'm treading water because i don't know which way gets me to land. and i'm wasting so much energy by sitting and treading, but i don't want to sap all of my energy by swimming the wrong way entirely. i'm trying to find my bearings, but they continue to elude me.

i'm praying for a sign, for a direction, for some kind of something to take away the uncertainty.

and i know at some point i'm going to have to make a decision, and just go, because otherwise i won't make it anywhere at all.

there are many things that i could do. i'm just not sure what i should do.

i just want to know i'm living a life that matters.
that's all, no big deal.

xo