child of mine

i'd by lying if i said i never think about you. you - my first baby. not the joyous little boy i hold in my arms everyday, but the one i never got to know. i think of you every time someone asks me if keane is my "first". i wonder who you would have been. and i still wonder why you never got to breathe your first breath, or live outside the womb.

i still wonder why i was able to get pregnant with you, only to have you leave so quickly. thrilled as i am to have your little brother, and thankful as i am for his life, and his breath, and his spirit, i still wonder about you.

i hate that i lost you. and sometimes i still feel like it was my fault. they tell me it wasn't, but i always wonder - what could i have done differently? i know it does no one any good to live in the land of if only..., but i hate that i couldn't protect you, couldn't save you, couldn't bring you back.

my mind went to all kinds of crazy places in my blaming of myself. i hated living with myself. i felt so small and impotent, in the most helpless of situations. i had to let myself feel it all, or i wouldn't have ever started moving on, but feeling pained me. it hurt to my very core.

the waves of elation brought on by those two pink lines were replaced by waves of numbness that flowed over me, followed by waves of searing sorrowful loss. i cried all my tears out, and when they stopped i retreated into myself, tried to sleep, and waited for more. because i knew they would come.

no one talks about losing a baby. not until it has happened, and then suddenly people come out of the woodwork, talking about the child they lost. or the children. the little babies who never made it to their birth-days. you, my dear child, are one of these. and i hate that you are one of these.

i think no one talks about it because there is nothing to say. nothing helps. in the midst of it, nothing helps. in the midst of it you grieve because there is nothing else to be done. the beauty of the world succumbs to the loss, and every day feels bleak and grey regardless of the weather patterns.

slowly the color came back, but some days my heart still aches, wondering about you.

despite the hardest good-bye i've ever uttered, i know that you now rest, safe in the arms of God. i know that not a sparrow falls to the ground outside of the father's hand. and i know that although i cannot understand it, he knows why he called you home.

i love you, sweet baby.
now and always.


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