the new year.

new year's always makes me think of what i want to change. of course that's true of everyone with new year's resolutions and all. that's why when i walked into old navy today they had all of their workout gear on display at the front. everyone wants to change something, and people look at the new year as a clean slate, and a fresh start. something that is yet to be defined, and hence, you can make it what you want.

these are valid things, and though i like to think i don't "fall prey" to silly new year's resolutions, i do use the new start of january, the flipping of the calendar, and all that jazz to reevaluate what's going on in my life. it's not that i have to start on a specific day in order to make a change, but the deliniation of fresh and new makes a mental difference, if not an actual one.

so this year? this next year... what will i resolve to do? i'm still deciding. i know i want to be healthier, but what does that mean, practically? i know i want to have more balance. and i think peter and i would both be in slightly better moods if i actually cleaned our house on a regular basis. the dog hair can get kind of out of control.

but i think balance is key. i know that's not really any kind of secret to any of you. it's become pretty obvious. you see and hear everywhere about the importance of balance and moderation, and i think it's true. of course i'd also like to feel like i have some kind of handle on life. it's funny though because i really don't. year after year i learn more and more that while i can pursue different things, and desire certain things, and do what i can to accomplish them; at the end of the day though, i am not in control. not. in. control.

i got a reminder of that today as we traveled from my mom's house down to my dad's house. the roads were a little bit snowy and icy, and my nerves remained on edge despite our traction control, and my knowledge that it didn't really matter anyway. i could only do what i could do. at the end of the day if God had determined that today was my last day on earth i couldn't have done anything to prevent that from happening.

it's a sobering thought, but it's also kind of a kick in the rear. i only have a certain number of days, and hours, and minutes, and i don't know how long i actually have. it could be depressing to think about it that way, but it's also rejuvenating in a sense. since i'm not guaranteed anything, how do i want to live while i have a chance?

how do i want to live tomorrow? and this week? and this month? and this year?

they're good questions... and i don't know the answers just yet, but i guess we'll see.



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