thirty two.

{found via pinterest from flickr}

i turned 32 a couple weeks ago. i don't like making a big deal out of my birthday, so i don't most of the time.

peter took me out for a nice dinner at a restaurant we've wanted to try for a while. keane & adele helped me unwrap my gifts.
it was a good day.

32 has treated me generously thus far.

our kitchen is coming together. as in, a few fittings and a little paint from now we can install the open shelves that i've waited forever to have! {yes, forever. really and truly.}

the only things left to do besides those are touch-up painting, a bit of caulking, and the upper moulding which is only going up where we took it down - in about half of the kitchen.

yes, the kitchen is almost finished about 11 months after we embarked upon the project. so there's that.

we've steadily moved forward on that project, and knocked out a few other things too. i feel like i'm getting a handle on what i need to do during the week now that soccer is over.
we're settling into summer.

the pool has completely opened for the season. as in, open every day now that the public schools have let out. we go as much as we can because the kids love it. they ask for it all the time. they want to go every single day. we actually make it there a few times a week.

keane will get his first mini swim lesson from nana today. he already does pretty well with blowing bubbles in the water, though he's still learning to breathe in through his nose, but that is to be expected.

adele takes the lead from her brother, and sticks her mouth in the water, but generally ends up drinking it after blowing "bubbles" for .2 seconds.

anyway. this is the first year we've really utilized the pool, and it makes me really glad that it's practically in our backyard.

the last few weeks have also found us doing some soul-searching.

in our house - in our marriage - we constantly recalibrate, so soul-searching isn't terribly surprising. this time we're talking more about big-picture goals. we do that a fair amount too, but the context feels different this time. more serious. more driven. and less focused in a good way.

often when we talk about big-picture it's either too big to put feet to it, or too small to really call "big-picture." but this time it's more about: what do we want out of life? where do we want to be in two years? in five years? but more importantly, where do we feel a sense of God's calling in the midst of that?

in the past it felt like i needed to be 100% sure of what the big-picture, overarching, etch-it-in-stone goal was. whatever it was we'd move after it fully.

but this time it's more of a testing out of different options. there are options. ultimately we are to follow where God leads us. but there are still lots of options of where to go. and we need to trust that he'll lead us to the right place.

this time we're not forcing things. we're simply pushing, and seeing what moves.

last night as i fell asleep i remembered something someone told me way back before peter and i got married. way back before i moved to charlotte. and just as it did then, it settled my soul.

God wants you at the center of his will more than you want to be there.

i worry a lot. not as much as i used to, but still a lot more than i should. i worry about making the wrong decisions. i worry about missing the right ones. i worry about my kids all.the.time.

i worry about the state of our world. i worry about the state of our country. i worry about the state of our education system. i worry about not making a difference. i worry a lot.

but, God wants you at the center of his will more than you want to be there.

he is sovereign. he is in control. and he wants me to follow hard after him.

i worry that if i don't do everything exactly right i'm going to fall into the abyss outside of his will, and not realize my full potential.

but, God wants you at the center of his will more than you want to be there.
"do not worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God." phil. 4:6

this "year" of life has treated me well thus far. i have a lot left to learn {always will}, but i'm slowly letting go of the notion that i have to change the world. God may use me that way somehow, but he probably won't. and being exactly where i need to be will fulfill me, and his purpose, far more than striving after something he has not ordained.

because Jesus changed the world. Jesus is changing the world. my life is not supposed to be about me. it's supposed to be about him. {and he already finished it.}
"does the clay say to the potter, what are you making?" {isaiah 45:9}

at 32, i'm finally just starting to get a grasp on that.
happy summer, friends.



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