i got nothin'

{found via pinterest from tumblr}

some days i sit down at my computer to write, and i got nothin'.
today is one of those days.

today is a day when i have a lot going on in my brain,
but i don't have much to say.
there's not much i can say.

i'm processing everything.
but it runs slowly.

sometimes things don't work how you thought they would.

sometimes life spits in your face.

sometimes... sometimes.

sometimes i know i should write because i'm spinning the wheels in my head.
but the coherency factor desperately lacks.

sometimes life doesn't make sense.

many days we get sucked into believing that the world is one way,
simply because the alternative has never happened in our world before.

but life is not under our own control.
we like to think it is, but every day is an exercise in trust
whether we choose to believe it or not.

sometimes there is no why.

no real one anyway.
not one that we can understand.
and it doesn't make sense.

sometimes life feels full of purpose,
and sometimes an exercise in futility.

many days life doesn't make sense,
other days i'm reminded of the miracle it is.

i'm sick of thinking it'll get better later.
i have a great life now,
and i don't want to miss it by sitting and waiting for tomorrow.

we grow up that way though.

too often we're told we're too little, too much, not enough, and we just want to get to the next point where that is no longer true.
we're always looking forward to what's coming next, or what's coming later.

but this is life.
right now.

plan? yes.
but we can't live there.

life is beautiful.
it's complicated.
scary.
full of light & darkness
breadth & depth.
it's more than we hoped for,
and less than we dreamed.

but it's now.
life doesn't wait for later.

sometimes i feel like i didn't really live my life until i was in college.
everything was prescribed up until that point.
do this, do that, this comes next.
it's all laid out.

i need to ask more questions.
i need to push back on the prescription.

just because something hasn't been done doesn't always mean it can't be.
life is not formulaic.

it is messy.
it doesn't make sense.

stop living like it's a math problem to be solved.

we need to think.
we need to be purposeful.
we need to actually do the best we can,
not just say we are.

but we need to live.

xoxo