logs

i didn't start with 

first things this

morning.

i let time slip away

instead.

i hate getting behind.

i hate losing my head.

but now i'm sitting

quietly with a hot

drink in my hand.

my heart weighs heavy.

my mind on edge.

your peace eludes my

grasp.

pause.

breathe deep.

{like a box.}

begin again.

start fresh.

reorganize.

rearrange.

listen to the still small voice.

listen.

to the voices floating

up the stairs.

listen to the wind whipping through

the trees and the eaves.

listen to the bass pounding through

the space from

the house next door.

listen.

pause and listen.

change the tune.

listen to a new song.

stop accepting things

i can change.

stop acting like a victim

even for a moment.

because i'm not.

my attitude?

my choices?

my effort?

all

mine.

they're on me.

don't call it out in others

and then leave the log alone.

there's a word for that:

hypocrisy.

you are responsible for

your behavior.

you are still responsible

for your actions even

when you're mad.

even when you're frustrated.

even when you're hurt.

but some days i don't 

want that to be true.

i want to sulk.

to wallow

and to point out

the specks in the eyes of others.

ignore my log.

those friggin' logs.

i wish they would go away

without being dealt with.

it's kind of amazing

i don't have a whole forest

growing out of my face

blocking my vision

entirely.

i wish that an

actual alarm would go off

inside my head.

until i take a chainsaw out

and cut it down to size -

this forest of my mind.

bring the loggers through

cut them down and move

them out and let

the sun reach the

forest floor again.

let the light in.

see the sky again.

let the spirit move

unheeded,

unhindered.

undo me.

undo my 

hypocrisy.

xoxo