wildflowers

*note* i wrote this a couple of years ago, and never shared it here. i don't entirely know why i'm sharing it now, but nonetheless, here it is.

wildflowers

every morning i open the door to your coos and babbles.

i see two little hands and two hazel eyes just barely peering above the crib rail.

i see a three-and-a-half-toothed smile behind a pacifier.

welcome to a new day.

those hazel eyes are not like mine. 

your strawberry blond hair is not like mine.

i did not give you life from the moment of your conception.

but you are no less mine.

for the first nine months of your being you were loved and you were protected.

and i did not know about you.

for the first five months you had breath you were loved and brought into a caring home.

and i did not know about you.

but you are no less mine.

from the beginning of time you were always going to be ours.

but you will always be hers too.

she gave you life and breath.

she gave you her nose and her smile.

she gave you pieces of herself to carry with you always. 

she loved you so much she gave you life.

and then she let her heart be broken because she didn’t want yours to be.

but you were always meant to be.

and you were always meant to be ours.

i bring you downstairs for bananas and cheerios.

you have your morning bottle among your brother’s oatmeal, your sister’s waffles, and mama’s coffee.

we start our morning together.

sometimes I see the parts of you that are pieces of her,

and it breaks my heart for her.

it breaks my heart to think of the wake of pain that follows behind your beautiful soul.

my dear girl, you are a constant reminder of how God can take the brokenness of this world and make all things new.

you have been given a new name.
you have been made ours.

i pray as you grow you will know the one who ordained your life before there was time.

that you would know the only one who can make the sad things come untrue.

until then i hope you’ll let the wildflowers grow through all the cracks.

i wipe leftover breakfast from your face and hands amidst raspberry-blown protestations.

we get dressed and get ready for the day while you find all of the things you shouldn’t have.

and you are so very proud of yourself as you show me each dryer sheet, sock, tissue, water bottle, and shoe.

smiles, giggles, and screams of delight accompany all of your treasure-hunting – 

along with the fastest crawling getaway one has ever seen.

my littlest love, i hope you know how abundantly you are loved.

i hope you know that you will always be hers, yes.

but you are no less mine.

xoxo