in som ni a

even though we're more than halfway through it, today hasn't hit me yet. i was up to all hours last night for absolutely no reason whatsoever. the last time i glanced at the clock - which is always a mistake when you can't sleep - it was 1:56. sleep simply eluded me. 

i had thoughts racing through my head which i tried to dispel, but they kept coming back. i tried contracting and relaxing every muscle in my body, i even tried doing yoga IN MY BED,  but it was to no avail. i still tossed and turned yawning like crazy until something jarred me awake. i have no idea what time sleep actually found me, but i turned off my alarm this morning and didn't crawl out of bed until just before 10. unfortunately it didn't feel like a lazy, relaxing morning since the night prior was anything but relaxing. 

it has been cloudy and grey here today. i managed to get a run in around noon, but the humidity is ridiculously high due to the impending thunderstorm, which made it harder than normal to breathe.

i have yet to eat lunch today because my stomach has been flipping and turning ever since i got up. i thought i was just hungry, but it is proving otherwise. 

in any case, some good things came from my laying awake last night. i prayed a lot. some of that time i begged God for sleep, but there were other points of discussion and questioning too. the odd thing was - as distant as i've felt from him lately last night was surprisingly settling.

i also thought about the future. i thought about what i really want to go back to school for -- i've stopped wondering if i ever will, and now i'm trying to decide what i really want to put my efforts behind. i thought about what i want our future children's names to be (which is really a moot point because peter refuses to talk about it until we're at the point that we're actually having a child...). i thought about home and how much i miss it. i thought about what type of menu i would plan if we had our soccer team over for dinner again. i thought about the book i just finished and wondered how difficult it would really be to become a writer - i decided "very".

i also realized that as much as i want - in some senses anyway - to change life courses i also don't. partially because i just don't want to, partially because i'm scared that i won't like anything else any better and this is just life - and this is as good as it gets on this earth.

it's not that it's so horrible, it's just that i don't come home everyday with a sense of accomplishment, meaning and purpose. and THAT is the honest to goodness truth.

part of me wanted to daytrip it to charleston or greenville today just to get some new scenery - blasting some great music the whole way, windows down, sunglasses on and stopping only for gas and coffee refills. doesn't that sound divine? just time to get away from all the stresses that have been creeping their way into my life recently and just enjoy God's creation. just enjoy it. no strings attached. like his grace.

we've been reading a book on grace as a staff - what's so amazing about grace? to be exact. i have to say i've enjoyed it so far, wrestled with it so far, and wondered about some of its points. because part of grace is forgiveness. what does forgiveness really look like in an everyday sense? it's obvious when you see it, but going about it isn't always so simple a task.

it has been a challenge. in a good way.

well friends, i'm off to eat a very late lunch and to try to accomplish something positive today. 

hope your wednesday is full

of pleasantries!