honesty is such a lonely word

honesty isn't always fun. reality never is. 

people never say "this is reality" or "reality is..." when it's good news. ever notice that? 

i'm tired. it's been a long day, and i have a heavy heart for no particular reason. maybe a few hodgepodged together, but not one particular reason. and surely not anything i would go around talking about.

i'm sitting in front of my inspiration wall, staring up at pictures that never fail to inspire me. we're talking tried and true inspiration. constant motivation. beauty. laughter. and yet tonight i'm stuck on pictures of two kids i never get to see. two kids who should be a much bigger part of my life than they are because i'm so stinkin far away. two kids who will grow up knowing friends better than they know family. and tonight, it depresses me. it brings tears to my eyes. it makes me feel like a bad person for moving away. honestly.

sometimes i wish i could get a do-over. i think it would be a lie to say that i don't have any regrets. i know God works it all out and everything, but there are things i would change if i could. not necessarily big things, but still, things. 

i heard a song today that made me cry in the car. i don't even know the name of it, but it was a country song, and the premise was - if i could write a letter to myself when i was 17. hard to believe that was 8 years ago. 

and every year i figure out that i know even less than i did the year before. 

each year the world gets bigger and more complicated, and i get smaller and less significant. and yet, somehow i still believe i can change this big, complicated world. i just wish i knew how. 

teach me to dream a new dream

teach me to think a new thought

teach me how to be better than this

teach me how to want what you want

teach me how to shape my world

teach me the answers to all of the questions

teach me...

i want to understand