is patience still waiting?

i started putting together my next blog post [which really should have been this one...] about 3 days ago now. i had this fabulous idea months ago, and finally start to put everything together. and then i stalled. partially because my "research" for said post took too long, and partially because i wasn't sure what else i needed to find. so you'll just have to wait a little longer for that one...

now i just need to find some kind of words. some kind of something. i feel like crap. a big ol' load of it, and i'm exhausted and should be sleeping, but something keeps pressing me on, and on.

it seems as though there is no shortage of crap these days. [which is not to say that every day is crappy, but just that there is a lot mixed into life.] the actual day part of my day today went quite well actually. however, the reflection part of my day, wherein i think, and simply let myself think, did not go so well.

currently, i'm swirling around, getting dangerously close to sliding down the drain. i need refreshment. i need it to matter. i need life to make a difference.

sometimes the thoughts in my head scare me straight. and sometimes they just scare me.

i'm still grieving. and sometimes it hits me just so, when i'm off balance, and the tiniest little gust of wind sends me tripping backward flailing in all directions.

right now it's not okay. right now i'm lost in questions. right now i'm trying to stay numb because feeling hurts too much. right now, in the middle of the night, while i reflect on what could have been, i fail to see the "big picture", i fail to see that it "will be okay".

there is so much pain in the world, and i wish i could do something to fix just a piece of it instead of adding my own grievances. i don't pretend to know why life happens as it does. anymore i don't even try to understand.

i don't know why sometimes prayers work, and sometimes they don't. i don't know how two opposing thoughts can both be true. i don't know where to go next, or why. i don't even know what to think, or how to be okay with thinking what i'm supposed to think.

i just don't know. i'm purely at a loss.
so much of me wonders if it will actually get better.
because we never really know.
of course people will tell you it will.
but we all say that because it's what we hope.
we don't know.
we don't hold the world in our own hands.
we can't say much of anything with any degree of certainty.
and yet we still say it.
we still make promises we can't keep.
because we're promising something for someone else.
we make promises on GOD's behalf,
and then get mad when he doesn't keep them.

doesn't he know he's running your good name through the dirt?
[sorry, i got confused there for a minute...]


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