living in the tension

learning can be fun, but it is certainly not always fun. sometimes you learn something that scares you. sometimes you learn something that makes life easier. sometimes you learn something that grows you.

and growth is a process.

lately i have been learning a lot. not because i'm a good student, but simply because i do not have a choice. i have to live in the tension.

i have wanted a child for so long, and yet, it's not happening. i cannot put my life on hold, i won't be paralyzed by this. yet, i still hope. i still want it to happen. and month by month i am learning what it's like - what it means - to live in the tension of hope without expectation.

i am learning to live in a place where the things you planned, the things you want, the desires of your heart, go unmet. and in the midst of it i am also learning how to trust what God has for me now. i am learning [in fits and starts as they say] how to live where i don't want to be, how to be content despite that fact, and how to do it graciously.

i've been reminding myself daily that i live in a world of hurting and broken people. i am not the only one living in tension. my struggle, my tension, is certainly real, but i am not the only one hurting in this world.

everyone has a battle to fight. some are harder than others. some are deeper than others. but everyone has them.

and i'm trusting, that one day, one way or another i'll be able to hang something like this above a crib in our nursery:

and until then,

i'll live in the tension.


  1. Hey...just doing a little catching up on blog reading and came across yours again. This one struck a chord. Just wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you in this journey. I am only somewhat familiar with this particular brand of suffering (even though we've ended up w/ three)...and am always compelled to pray for couples who are waiting for and figuring out God's idea of what's best in this area.


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