how we live our days is... how we live our lives. -annie dillard
**disclaimer: this post is basically a stream of consciousness post, and thus is a little bit scattered... just wanted to give you fair warning :o) **
lately peter and i have been talking about goals, and it really has me thinking about life in the big picture sense.
sometimes life is hard. and sometimes we just let life happen, and everything seems far too easy. sometimes i get too caught up in myself. and sometimes we're actually focused on goals, on what we're doing, and on how to get to what comes next.
as of late i'm having trouble focusing on much besides prepping for the baby. there are obvious reasons for this, but at the same time it worries me.
i don't want to be a pregnant lady and nothing else. i don't want my whole life to be about my midsection right now.
don't get me wrong -- i am beyond thrilled. beyond thrilled that we are FINALLY going to be parents. it's just that if i'm nothing but a pregnant lady now, then it follows that once the baby is born, i'll be nothing but a mom.
again, i'm uber-stinkin-excited to be a mom, but i don't want to wrap my life up in my kids to the point that i neglect the other gifts i've been given.
it won't be healthy for me to do nothing but dote on my child/children. if my only goals revolve around my children it seems like a waste to have the rest of what i have. why would i have the other gifts and talents i have if i'm only going to squander them?
even as a mom, i still want to be who i am - just with another facet added to my being. no doubt it's a big facet, but adding another layer to who i am does not supersede everything else.
i love kids, and i can't wait to have my own [in about 12 1/2 weeks - so CRAZY!], but i also love reading, and writing, and coming up with jewelry designs, and interior decorating, and cooking, and baking, and shopping [not just for me!], and running, and soccer, and so many other things. i don't always love all aspects of life, but how will we teach our children to love life, and be well-rounded persons if we don't model it?
there are seasons of life to be sure, and i'm under no delusions that having a newborn will not take up the vast majority of my time, but i want to be purposeful about still including other things into what i do on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.
i do have high hopes for our children. i also have ideas and ambitions for myself. and peter has ambitions for himself. and we dialogue and support each other in all of those things. [and if we don't then we adjust.]
i still want to pursue various ambitions. and i want peter to be able to pursue his ambitions. and i want our children to develop into who God has them to be, and pursue whatever their ambitions are. and if any of our ambitions are things that are not from God, i hope he destroys them.
the bottom line is this -- i don't want to live so many unintentional days, that i end up living an unintentional life.
i don't have to change the world,
i just want to leave a dent.
at the end of my life, i want to hear:
well done, good and faithful servant.
and i pray that i will be open
to whatever that means.