right about now

{found via pinterest. from the bees on flickr}

right about now i'm pausing to sip my coffee while praying that my poor coughing baby stays asleep. right now i'm enjoying the soft glow from the candles and the lamps that illumine my quiet morning {save for the intermittent coughing down the hall}. right now i'm reminding myself to breathe deeply. i'm trying not to get caught up in the rapidly approaching day, but instead to focus on the time i have now.

right about now i'm trying to stave off the thoughts and excitement over what comes next. right now is fantastic in many ways, but i'm also excited for what comes next.

we've tipped into august which means we're on our way to the fall. we're on our way to having a finished kitchen. we're on our way to having a fully potty-trained preschooler. we're on our way to having a one-year old and no longer nursing.

august is one of the hardest months for me to sit back and enjoy. peter's team gets into full swing, and our schedule changes. but it's still really hot, and i don't want to do much outside during the day. the days are obviously shorter than they were at the beginning of the summer, but the sun still burns high and long. despite the back-to-school gear in all the stores, it's nowhere close to fall outside.

in past years i've done my best to pass through august quickly. last year was no exception since i was in my final month of pregnancy. but now that adele's birthday is in august i want to do better than to simply wish it away.

but i still yearn for fall, and all of the wonderful things that come with it.

august will pass quickly. we have many visitors coming through, and very few days to just laze about since our kitchen project - and a few other projects after it - will take a while to complete.

i can hardly believe that keane will officially be a preschooler in just over a month. i can hardly believe i will be done nursing adele in a few short weeks. i will miss it every once in a while, but right now i'm ready to have a bit more freedom of schedule.

i'm trying to stay where i am. i'm trying to not get ahead of myself. i'm trying to enjoy this day, this moment, this time, without wishing it away. but it's not always easy.

it's not easy when everything around me pushes me forward faster than i want to go.

i'm still trying to strike a good balance. i feel like i'm constantly in flux. some days i'm just frustrated with anything and everything. other days i enjoy life, but i'm also wishing i had more time for other pursuits. it's a rare day that i just sit back and fully enjoy. a rare day when i don't worry about which boxes aren't getting checked and just do what i can and enjoy it.

so right about now i'm trying to think through what comes next, but then concentrate on now instead of getting caught up in the not yet.

i wonder about many things. i wonder if i'm making the right decisions about life - things like staying at home with my kids. most days i know that it's the right decision. but i have days when i wonder. i have days when i wonder when it will be the right time to get a job again, and if it's now. i don't want to get caught up in a stage that i'm not in. i don't want to think nostalgically about the past or the future. because no time is perfect. and thinking that everything was all better, or will be all better, are both just ways to distract from now. both are ways to waste life away. and i don't want to do that. even if right now is hard.

so right about now i'm going to warm up my coffee. i'm going to breathe deeply. i'm going to go get my little nugget out of her crib, and start my day earlier than i was hoping.

because that's the reality of my right now. and i spent years of my life hoping and praying i would one day be awakened by the cries of a baby. so i'm going to try to enjoy it. even if getting her up early is a bit of an inconvenience.

i hope no matter where you are, you can enjoy the right now.



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