"all my fragile strength is gone"

i wanted to write last night, but had an overwhelming feeling that i should actually go to bed, and get some sleep.

yesterday tried me. i wanted to write last night, because i wanted answers before i went to bed. i felt as though yesterday was my only chance, and i HAD to know something, anything before i gave in and slept.

yesterday dissolved me into tears, and brought me to my knees. my strength fled.

i've often thought of myself as a "bad Christian" and yesterday was no different. however, i did have a profound thought as i attempted to sift through everything.

my hope was gone. i could feel it drying up all day -- just like the sun drying concrete in the summer. the spot getting smaller and lighter until you look over, and it's completely evaporated -- like it was never there at all.

BUT, i can either hope for something, or i can trust. i know the two are not mutually exclusive, but my hope has abandoned me. am i still willing to trust?

trust is not blind. hope often is.

can i have confidence that the God of the universe hears my prayers, and WILL answer them?? ie: trust him even when it doesn't make a lot of sense. trust him because i know his character. because i know that he is GOOD, and he wants what's best for his children. can i trust THAT God?

even though my hope is effectively, gone. am i still willing to trust?

i can't make it okay. i can't do anything. i am not capable. i am not in control.

am i willing to trust

HIM?

i heard once that life is like a woven tapestry. {and yes, a box of chocolates too}

(image via google images: www.drawntothevalley.co.uk)

it's painstakingly put together, and yet sometimes the yarn is out of place. one that was laid at the very beginning comes out of place. and so, the weaver must take everything apart, and make it right. and when everything comes apart we don't understand why. we can't always see what's out of place. yet it remains, sometimes we have to be brought to nothing so we can be made right.

i've asked myself

time and again

over the last 24 hours

when the ____ hits the fan

when i'm ripped apart

broken on the floor

do i trust him to FIND me?

do i trust him enough

to let go of a dream for a while?

do i trust him enough

to know i won't have

r e g r e t s

because he says

i won't?

it's all or nothing.

C H O O S E.