"feeling like you've got no place to run..."

"...please don't stop the rain."

it's odd how much is going on today since there is virtually NOTHING actually going on. i'm torn about so much.

s

t

r

a

i

g

h

t

down the

m

i

d

d

l

e.

thoughts rattle through my mind like a mini whirlpool of swirl. which one would i regret more?

what if...?

what IF?

WHAT IF??

what if i train train train? will i always wonder if it set us back?

what if i don't? and STILL nothing happens. how big will my regret be?

how? why? when?

WHAT DO I DO?

what do you do when your biggest life aspiration eludes you?

over and over and OVER

again

i can't make it better

i have no control

part of me wants to scream and throw things

part of me wants to wallow in a pool of tears

so

i'm asking

i'm petitioning

i'm fasting

i'm at the end

of my rope

and i DON'T KNOW

what to do.

i have no option

because i have no choice

on days like these

(and there have been

19

of these exact days)

i can feel

the hope seep slowly

out of my body

each breath

releases more

distractions don't work

nothing does

i can write

scream

cry

wallow

run

eat

shop

read

cook

bake

watch tv

or movies

it makes

no difference

i still feel

as though i'm held together

by straight pins

piercing

every time i turn

numbing myself

is the only tactic

that could work

but too often

i feel