knots & thoughts

::fair warning:: i have a feeling this post is going to take a while. i have many thoughts in my head, but i'm not sure how many circles i'll need to turn to get at all of them. it may take some time.

my back is chock full of knots today. i think it's partially from a brief wakeboarding run i took yesterday, and partially because of i-don't-know-what.

life has thrown me curves, and my swerving reflex kicked in a little late. i feel like i've been smacked upside the head by a guard rail, and as i'm coming to i'm trying to figure things out all over again.

peter and i had a long talk last night about many many things, and i haven't sorted through everything yet.

frankly, i have a lot of days where i wonder what in the world i'm doing, and why the heck i'm doing it. few days come and go in which i really experience the satisfaction you get when you know you're living in your purpose. the glimpses of what life could be astound me, and then, somehow, leave me sitting exactly where i was with no way of crossing the gap.

peter and i are both frustrated with much. it's sort of like spinning in circles, unintentionally getting lost, and bumping into each other because we're not quite sure which way to go. we embark upon something new only to get lost in the fog on the way. and the next sign we see is the same one we started from.

i know this sounds dark and twisty and depressing. it is and it's not. even though i have a good idea of who i am and where i've been everything sort of falls apart when it comes to figuring out what happens next. lately "purpose" seems like a double-edged sword because i don't know what mine is. if i died tomorrow i'm not sure that i would be remembered for anything, much less anything great.

but isn't that what you hope for? even if you aren't willing to admit it - don't we all hope to change the world? to make a difference for the better?

personally i'm not sure how to do that. i don't have any astounding gifts. i know the rehearsed answer to the purpose question. the one that talks about if you don't know your specific purpose know that we are all called to one general purpose, and to live faithfully in that while you wait to figure everything else out.

I KNOW that answer. i've heard it a million times, and said it to myself a time or two. anymore it just doesn't cut it though. yes, it is still true. however, i want more than that.

i want more.

not more in the hoarding, consumerist, "stuff" way. more in the "there has to be more than this" sort of way. in the "i have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" sort of way. the way that i know is out there, but it eludes, and eludes, and eludes me.

i know life hands you all sorts of crap at times. i'm not asking for perfection or even ease. i'm simply asking for clarity.

for direction.

for guidance.

[for a swift kick if that's what it takes.]

for something. something.

is that really so much to ask?

there's more i could say. much more that i'm currently processing.

how do i figure out what i want to do? more so, what i'm "supposed" to do?

how do i start?

how do i even begin?