to put it bluntly

outside of the first 3 waking hours of today i haven't enjoyed it much. the 3 runs on skis this morning, and the cider warming me right now have been the best parts of my day.

currently, as everything weighs on me i'd like nothing better than to go on an online shopping spree and spend a lot of money on beautiful things i don't really need. i know it's selfish. i know it makes no sense to you. but on a day when things suck a little bit pretty things make me feel a little better. right now, during a season where we're to count our blessings, i feel the loss too. i give thanks for the gifts, but the lack is so evident.

i only really wanted one thing for christmas this year [and last year, and the one before...], and i already know i didn't get it. despite all the enjoyment and goodness of the weekend, right now i'm sitting face to face with the loss and i'm struggling.

the deadline quickly approaches, and i've got nothing.
still. nothing.

and the thing is, nothing helps.
no one helps.

there is no way to make it better.

and i know you can sit there and act like it'll be okay. like everything will work out and be just fine. you can sit there and say that because you haven't lived it.

you don't know what it's like.
it doesn't follow you around
everywhere you go
every.  single.  day.

i just want to be done.

to put it bluntly.