what's in a week?

wow. a lot has happened over the past week. my head has just been spinning too fast to sit down and write about it.

where to start? well, peter and i talked on sunday about adoption and we have decided to look into international adoption. we're moving forward with ethiopia, but the next big decision is picking an agency. it's kind of making my head spin because there are so many things to consider.

Source: etsy.com via Bonnie on Pinterest

there are a lot of exciting things about adoption. but one of the hardest things is the amount of time. it's a long process, and it takes a lot of thought and many many decisions along the way. we haven't even started to get into them and i already know they're coming. deciding to move toward ethiopia is a big decision, but there are a million more on the way. and making good decisions takes time and prayer and research and probably a bunch of other things that i don't even know about yet.

and it all takes $$$. lots of it.

it's like taking one step into the ocean, and needing to walk across the entire thing. my heart is heavy with the thought of more years of waiting.

it's incredibly hard to walk into something knowing it will not go exactly how you'd like it to go. there are too many variables. it comes back [yet again] to hoping without expectation. hoping things will go smoothly, expecting them to be anything but what you expect.

i've been confronted with my own shortcomings, and lack of faith so many times over the last week. sometimes it's like i've forgotten how to trust. and amid the breakdowns and the tears, the fears, and the questions, i always come back to the same place -- i either trust that God is in control, or i don't.

and it's so so hard for me to trust that he is in control. because i want to be in control. i don't like feeling out of control, or feeling like an idiot. [i don't really know of anyone who does...] i don't like not knowing. period.

but lately, i feel like i don't know anything at all. i don't know anything about starting a business - i've never done it before. i don't know anything about training for a marathon [except for the running part...] - i've never done it before. i don't know anything about adopting - i've never done it before.

there are simply a lot of big life changing things on my plate right now, and i don't have the answers for any of the questions in my head.

yet each day my heart continues beating, and thus i believe that God wants me to keep living in this imperfect world. and to keep moving forward. keep pressing on.

i know that everything may not work out how i want it to. we're already so far off of the plan that i had for my life. and it's times like these when i have to remember that God is not there for me to mold him into what i'd like him to be.

he's there to mold me, and make me more like him, more like the person whom he created me to be.

"does the clay say to the potter,
'what are you making?'"
isaiah 45:9b


most popular