the green eyed monster

do you ever turn into the green eyed monster? with envy shooting out your eyeballs? i hate to admit that i am not immune to envy. [wouldn't it be nice if they could come up with a vaccine for it? i would pay big bucks for that...]

bearing up under any burden is much more admirable when you do it without batting an eyelash. when you accept what has been given you, and just keep pressing on and pushing through. at the very worst you get a little bit upset about the situation you find yourself in sometimes, but that's as bad as it gets. wanting what someone else has, and what they get so easily is absolutely unacceptable - even if you have wanted it far longer. even if your wanting it has nothing to do with them having it. 
even if you would cut off your arm to get it. 

unfortunately, i alternate between bearing up under the burden, and a raging jealousy of those who don't have to bear up under the same burden.
i'll let you guess which one i spend more time with. 

everyone is broken one way or another. we live in a hurting and broken world. yet, i cannot tell you how many times i've wished for a different struggle. i think that's probably true no matter what your struggle is. we always think the grass is greener on the other side, even if the "greener" grass is only slightly less brown than our own.

we like to think we can control our own destiny. and in some senses we can. we make a lot of choices, and choices have consequences - both good and bad. but in other ways we have zero control. 

many people wind up with some kind of health problem due to things completely outside of their own control. some people wind up where they never thought they'd be because of an accident. or because they had a genetic proclivity for something or other. 

accidents happen. cancer happens. undeserved job loss happens. heart attacks happen. mental illness happens. infertility happens. __it happens. all the time. to everyone. no one is immune. 

and that sucks. it sucks that we all deal with crap. and that sometimes the silver lining is just grey. the clouds in the sky are just full of rain, and what lights them up is less of the sun shining through, and more of a lightning strike.

but the thing is, hope dies last.

we continue to hope even when we've lost hope. even when everything we show to the world masks that fact. sometimes you want to talk yourself out of hoping. sometimes it'd be easier that way. hope isn't practical. but it still dies last. instinctively.

yes, sometimes i need to let something go, and go on with my life. even if i don't want to. even if i don't want to believe that i will never give birth to a child... in this case i have to accept the hand i'm dealt. i cannot control the situation.

but it also goes to show that we all need redemption. and we need each other. we are all hurting and broken. we all need support. we're all weak and hurting sometimes. we all have days when the only thing on the to do list is to stay alive.

it doesn't matter what a life looks like from the outside. we all struggle.

sometimes the green eyed monster gets the best of you. sometimes life is hard.

but hope dies last.


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