on the tip of my mind

so many thoughts spinning through my mind. no one focus. just thoughts spinning, circling, drifting.

o.a.r. makes up the soundtrack of my life tonight.

i keep having these crazy thoughts that i can change the world. the kind of idealistic sentiment that i used to believe with all my heart and soul in high school. yet somehow the world has scarred me and i've become jaded. 

can i be honest? i miss that naiveté. 

i miss that little voice in the back of my mind that tells me i can't do any better or any more than i'm doing right now.  we all want to believe that in part because it gives us an excuse to not do anything else. but we also know that it's simply not true. priorities could shift, time could be carved out. i could change my life around if i found a cause i deemed worthy of that reorganization.

too often i'm a scared little girl, hiding from the potential that's been given to me. 

this past sunday i showed clips of "the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe" in middle school sunday school. it was a good reminder to me that sometimes we're called to things so much greater than we could ever imagine, and God will provide the necessary gifts and tools to accomplish his tasks. too often we balk at his request and try to convince him he picked the wrong person. sometimes well-meaning people also try to convince us we're crazy to do what we know we're called to. too often i'm masquerading as jonah slinking away from my responsibilities. and for that reason i'm thankful i don't live near the ocean.

lately, for reasons unexplainable here, i've been praying more and more - Lord not my will, but yours. bend my will to yours. i want to want what you want. 

and it's probably the scariest prayer i've ever prayed in my life. 

i take comfort in the fact that most "extraordinary" people started out as ordinary people. one of the magazine clips that hangs on my inspiration wall is a picture of billy graham preaching and it says "SOMETIMES GOD USES AN ORDINARY LIFE IN EXTRAORDINARY WAYS."

how would my life change if i gave myself over to him completely? am i willing to let him use me extraordinarily?

my cheek is stinging - 

sometimes the truth

is a slap in the face