some way, somehow

i realized today that i haven't written much about our adoption process over the past few weeks. that is mostly because we've been doing nothing but researching agencies for the past few weeks, and there wasn't a whole lot to tell. there still isn't much to tell. we did pick an agency, but we're still in the process of filling out the initial paper work.

anyway, for a considerable portion of those weeks i was largely frustrated. international adoption has been somewhat under siege around the world, for various reasons. and at times, i saw my dream of having children - ever - slipping further and further away. it's like some kind of cruel cosmic joke. i always wanted to be done having kids by the time i'm thirty. at this rate, we'll be lucky to have any, and in all likelihood i won't ever give birth to any.

some days it's a really tough pill to swallow. most days, actually. especially when there are a million and a half people all around me shooting out babies. and according to the doctors there is no reason they can give us that we can't have kids. 

that's just how it is.

but then i realized something. it was like a light bulb going off - a real epiphany. i realized that somehow, some way, eventually, we will have kids. 

somehow, some way, sometime, some day.

it will happen.

i'd be lying through my keyboard if i said i don't pray every single day for it to happen immediately. three years has felt like an absolute eternity, and i have no doubt that an additional 2 or 3 or 4 will, on certain days, feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. but i have to believe that it will happen. 

i have to believe that God is not so cruel as to put a desire for motherhood in me that is as strong as it is, and never bless us with children. our babies probably won't be the same race, or ethnicity, or background as us, or as each other, but they will be our babies.

even now it doesn't make sense to me. i'd love to have both biological, and adopted children. but as far as we know, that's not what will happen.

i bought this blanket today. i realized that the very very few [read: two] outfits we have from when we lost the baby are both newborn outfits that any child we bring home will not fit into. we don't know how old our little boy will be when we bring him home, and thus there is no point in purchasing any clothing with any kind of hopeful expectation of what's to come. but i saw this blanket at target today, and i thought -- even if he's two or something, he'll still be able to use a blanket.

in a weird sort of way it's like my physical reminder that it will happen eventually. some way, somehow.

some day.