I was told today (yesterday now) that I can now have a quarter life crisis if I'd like. I'm still debating over that one. The past few days and weeks have been full of both blessings and disappointments, but I guess it's really no different from any other time. Life is life no matter what happens, and sometimes it's hard to explain.
We had a late game tonight, and I felt the need to shed some tears on the way home. Something just wasn't sitting right. It's still not. I don't know what it is exactly, but I feel very unsettled.
Birthdays and other "important" days tend to make me evaluate my life. And I don't always like it. I know I've been blessed, I just don't feel like I've done enough to contribute to the world. I look at my life, and I get disappointed with myself for not changing the world. I get disappointed because too much of the time I no longer believe that I can change the world.
Too often I get bogged down under the gunk of life, and the things I just "have" to do. Even if I make goals it seems like it's enough to have them hanging on the wall. I don't actually do much to reach them.
Too often the important things aren't really as important as I would like them to be if you actually look at my life. My priorities on paper get lost in the life I live on a daily basis.
Too often I don't like what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to be so much more than what I am. I want to accomplish so much more than what I have. I want to make a mark.
Too often I let life pass me by and chalk it up to life being life instead of living on purpose. with purpose.
I have yet to find balance. My ankles give out every time and I tumble off the tight rope. I still have so much to learn. There is so much more I want to be, and yet, every day it seems I wake up further and further from the life I want to lead.
A part of me wants to go back. Back to the place where I believed everything was possible. Back to the place before I became jaded by life. Back to the place where, as William Pitt said in Amazing Grace, "we're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway."
The busy-ness of life has sucked the life out of me. And everyday I find myself coming up far too short. I wish I still believed anything is possible, I wish I still believed I can do anything I set my mind to do.
The American dream killed my spirit. Everyday I watch it die a little bit more, and all I want to do is pour gasoline on the spark that still remains.
I want better
I want more