my name's forrest, forrest gump

tonight i'm channeling forrest gump. as i reflect on the year now behind us and look towards the one spread out with quiet potential in front of me i'm realizing more and more how entirely accurate forrest's catch phrase was -- life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're gonna get.

i'm looking toward 2010 with hesitant expectation. but outside of something that i have no control over, i don't know what i'm standing with my breath drawn waiting for. there's so much promise in such a wide expanse of nothingness, and yet, i cannot make out the image responsible for my striving.

i'm simply stuck in a state of pondering...

...trying to figure out what comes next.

i have plenty of thoughts and ideas - PLENTY, believe me, and yet i'm still trying to extract the calling from the chaos.

what gifts have i really been given as opposed to what i wish i had been given? what parts of me are the untrue parts that have weaseled their way into my soul even though they don't really belong there? do i really have a dream to chase, or does it just feel like i should?

am i willing to do the hard things that i don't want to do simply because i'm called to do what's right?

i'm having trouble looking at last year as a gift. sure, good things happened, and i'm not suggesting that no gifts were wrapped up in the crappy parts. BUT, i do feel like the crap bogged me down quite a bit, and i'm not ready or excited for something of the same sort to happen again this year.

currently i'm processing what all i want to do/change in our house this year. there are some things i've wanted to do since the very beginning -- paint the smaller bathroom a lovely grey color (and in so doing eradicate the horrid paint job which the last owners so kindly left for us); put something else up above the mantle; get new blinds for the living room; possibly replace our couches with a sectional (probably not this year though...); repaint our coffee table; and others that will have to wait for a long while if they ever happen at all.

beyond my lists of things though, i really want to just be content with my circumstances and utilize the opportunities i have. even if i don't see every opportunity as a blessing i still would like to take better advantage of each one.

^^that is my resolution this year. nothing more.

"for i know the plans

i have for you,

declares the Lord,

plans to prosper you and

not to harm you,

plans to give you hope

and a future."

jer 29:11