soul searching

i'm desperate to write tonight, but i have no idea what to say. we've had oh-so-much going on lately. life has been crazy. days have flown by so fast that i feel like i must hold on so as not to get lost and left behind.

i've had work to attend to, soccer games and practices, lunches with graduated students and current leaders, doctor's appointments, dinners to make, the list goes on...

it seems like i didn't even have time to think today. i went from one appointment/meeting to the next, and tomorrow is more of the same.

in the midst of it all i'm trying not to get knocked down by life. it's so much harder to enjoy what you're in the midst of when you're constantly keeping track of what's coming next.

however, i'm trying to be positive. trying to figure life out - which in one sense will never happen. life's a dance you learn as you go - as they say in the song. and yet there's so much that we miss because we fail to look for it. we fail to see past the surface. we fail to question where we should on far too regular a basis. [or at least i do]

right now i'm trying to figure out if i should start an online store.
i shop so much as it is, and i take pride in finding really unique things, but apparently not everyone likes to do that. [i'm kind of at a loss when it comes to understanding why anyone would not want to shop, but i digress...]

i have no idea what will happen. it may come to something, or it may not. i may try it and fall flat on my face, waste a bunch of money and have absolutely nothing to show for it. and that is part of the difficulty of it all.

because i hate failing.
i hate it so much that i [ironically] fail to take many big risks.
even though i know we learn a lot from failure. sometimes we learn more from failure than we do from success. but it still sucks.

it sucks to know that you did everything you knew to do, tried as hard as you could, truly did your best, and failed. i don't do many things half way and sometimes that gets me into trouble. sometimes i stake too much on one thing, and failing at one thing makes me feel like i've failed at life.

even as i sit here i realize how much i need to focus on my blessings.
just because things don't always work out how i want them to [and no, i'm not thinking of any one thing] doesn't mean that they don't work out. the end picture just looks different than you thought it would. sometimes it's worse, but sometimes it's better.

often i bemoan the fact that i don't have much creativity to throw into a creative outlet. and it's funny because the more i think about it the more i realize that in a weird sort of way shopping and style are my way of achieving a creative outlet.

i'm not sure what that means exactly, but it's true.
yes, i like writing - even creative writing, but i'm not a book writer. i'd like to be, but i'm not. i'm not an author.

some days i have a hard time figuring out what to type for a blog post. a book seems far too daunting. but we'll see. maybe one day i'll change my mind.

maybe one day i'll transition into something different than i am - and by that i mean this: maybe one day i'll be comfortable enough with myself to really admit where i am in life. there are so many things i want to do, so many things i want to be, and yet it doesn't really feel like i want to be any of them [save for one, really] enough to make it happen right now. according to a piece of my personality profile my interests have more breadth than depth, and for the most part that is very true.

there are so many things i find interesting. so many things i'd love to learn more about. there are even a variety of masters degrees which i have thought about pursuing at one time or another. i haven't gone back to school for any of them for the simple reason that there isn't one that sticks out above all else as something i'd really like to devote the rest of my life to doing and being.

i feel like there isn't an automatic outlet for me. like i need to be the trailblazer for myself. to a certain extent we all have this responsibility. we are each, individually, the only person who is exactly who we are. i am the only me. God made me that way. he made you that way too - you're the only you.

and what does that mean for each one of us?

there is only one you.
and you will pass this way only once.
do it right.


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