vulnerability

the theme of vulnerability has come up a lot recently -  in totally unrelated venues. it has just been rolling around in my head. i'm not quite sure what to do with it.

there are a lot of simple, yet complex things in the world. vulnerability is one of those things. people want real, authentic relationships. people want to have other people to count on. people want to trust other people to have their back.

the only way to build trust is to be authentic and vulnerable. but it's so paradoxical. you trust someone with something almost as a test, because we all need people we can trust. and if that person lets you down you know you cannot trust them anymore, but you also wish you hadn't trusted them to begin with, and you'll be less likely to trust someone else as readily the next time around.

it's really easy to say that we all, individually, need to be authentic, and open, and vulnerable. it's a simple concept. be the type of friend to others that you want to have yourself. and yet, it's so very hard. because we are all imperfect humans. we all make mistakes. we all hurt others at one point or another. and we are all hurting and broken in our own right.

i think part of the reason why i'm feeling a bit vulnerable and uncomfortable lately is because i don't like to fail. [i don't know anyone who likes to fail, but the previous statement is true, nonetheless...] failing at something - especially something big - makes me feel like a failure far too often. and now, i've gone out on a limb and started my own business. and it's scary.

many times a day i think -- what the what did i just do? it's a risk. a big risk. especially for someone who likes a "sure thing." for someone who doesn't like to fail. who knows what will happen? who knows? i could do everything right and fall flat on my face, or do everything wrong, and somehow end up on top. it's all so crazy.

i like being in control of what happens, but much of the time "control" is a façade. what am i in control of, really? i've failed so many times that i'm afraid someone is going to out me as an impostor sometime soon. i don't know how to do life. no more than anyone else.

many things have let me down in life. people too. i let myself down constantly. life is hard. and frustrating. and fantastic. and beautiful. all at once.

we have all of these aphorisms to try and explain life. pat answers that we keep coming back to. but at the end of the day i think we're all pretty scared. scared of our own demons. we all know that in some part of our own life we don't measure up. we're scared that someone else is going to figure it out, and we'll be screwed.

it's hard to keep going. to admit mistakes. to admit failure. to admit i'm not who i want to be. that i'm not the person i wish i was.

we are all hurting and broken people. we all need redemption. but are we willing to risk? to put it out there? to be vulnerable enough to admit the truth in our own lives?

i heard a quote once that goes like this: "if you don't invest very much then losing doesn't hurt very much, but winning isn't very exciting."

obviously it's talking about sports, but it's true in life. if you don't invest in relationships, in people, and places, and life, then you're just kind of there. not really feeling anything. safe. boring. with no adventures to recount.

a ship in the harbor is safe,

but that is not what ships are built for.

life is hard. things don't work out how you thought. 

but this too shall pass.

all of these things have me lost in thought, and i don't really have any answers. i'm still trying to figure things out. and i will probably be in that boat for the rest of my life. but in the midst of it, here are two songs i've been listening to on repeat -- one video is just the music, the other is an actual music video. 

shall we opt for bravery?

for risk? for adventure?